I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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