I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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