I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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