My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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