new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
