you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
