I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
