I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
