I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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