Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
