some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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