i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
