I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
