its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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