He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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