I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
