Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
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Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
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I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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