Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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