U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
