dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We are all done wearing pants today
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
