I think i peed on brittanys purse
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
