If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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