god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
