the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
