Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
