Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
