Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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