Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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