I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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