Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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