Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
