When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
