I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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