i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You can't special order awesome
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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