GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
