there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
