you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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