Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
