I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
