Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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