the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
