yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
