i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
