In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
