Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
