i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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