Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
