I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
