I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
