i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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