At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
