weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
