Acid is not a monday night drug
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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